Pleasing God.

walkinfog“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Thomas Merton

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Three months.

calendarWoke up with a headache. It is possible that I may have indulged in a glass of wine too many {which would be any more than one} last night. In spite of the free hug yesterday, I ended up throwing myself a spectacular pity party. Popcorn, movies, vino, Kleenex…the works. Hey, it’s my pity party, so I’ll cry if I want to.

This morning I listened to a pep talk by Joel Osteen on replacing fear with faith. He talked about a railyard worker who accidentally locked himself in a refrigerated box car–and panicked. He knew the temperature would be below freezing and he didn’t believe he could survive the night. The next morning, his lifeless body was found curled up in a corner with a note he had scrawled on a piece of cardboard reading “So cold.” The thing is, the refrigeration wasn’t working in that box car and the temperature never got below 60 degrees. Freaky, right?

So I’m keeping this in mind, trying not to become consumed by the reruns of yesterday’s meeting with my boss playing in my head. Because what I thought I heard him say was that there’s no place for me. And for a girl who’s always wrestled with her sense of place in the world, that hit the bulls eye.

When I first met Jesus {I know that sounds weird…I’m just not sure how else to describe it. I had known of Him, I just didn’t actually know Him until I “met” Him. Talked to Him. Invited Him to clean me up and rearrange my stuff.} Anyway, when I first met Jesus, I felt for the first time that I had come home. I had a place in Him. And it was enough and too much all at the same time.

Over time, I found place in the company of others. My fellow law school students, colleagues, friends. Some of these relationships were healthy. Some not so much. They became more real—and more important—than my place in Jesus. I don’t even like to admit that, but it’s true. I had lost my first love—my first place.

And because I like to look for the reason in all things, I have to wonder whether I’m in this floor dropping out from under my feet circumstance now so I can reestablish my place in Jesus. Or…more accurately…so He can reestablish His place in me.

Truly, I cannot do what I’ve been asked to do without Him. But with Him—in Him—all things are possible. So Jesus, I want to see the impossible become possible in You these next three months.