Morning joy to evening mourning.

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Spent a joyful morning catching up with a friend over tea, with a slight hiccup in that we each went to different cafes. Turns out the funky place I thought was unique in all the world has a twin. When we managed to finally get ourselves in the same location at the same time, we enjoyed what ended up being a three-hour conversation about the state of the world and our purpose in it. She is passionate about protecting the dignity of women by giving them meaningful options to abortion in the form of tangible resources and I felt a little like a traitor to the cause because I work for a non-profit organization with a different focus.

This evening I “liked” Phil Cooke’s Facebook page. He’s the author of One Big Thing: Discovering What You Were Born To Do, which is all about…well, that. When I stumbled upon his page, Phil had posted the question “Think fast, what are you supposed to do with your life? What’s the one big thing you were born to do?”

I should just be able to blurt out the answer without thinking at this point in my life, but I can’t. It’s a question that haunts me every single day. Most days I work hard to create enough important busy-ness to drown it out.

I can rattle off at least thirty-seven things I think I should be doing or might like to do in the future…and I can add another dozen things other people think I need to have been doing for quite some time, but I can’t really say with any degree of certainty I was born to do any of them.

I believe the most profound sense of joy has to come from knowing you are right in the heart of God’s plan for your life…being all He created you to be and doing that one big audacious thing He created you to do.

I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time…I’m talking decades here…poking around the edge of whatever that thing is, yet never striking into the heart of it. And I feel simultaneously disappointed in myself for missing what should be obvious and angry with God for hiding it from me.

The truth is, I sometimes wonder if I forfeited my purpose like Esau forfeited his. Did I trade it in for the pursuit of lesser things? For things that produce temporal happiness, but never joy?

I can say that I never knew what joy was like until I gave up pursuing happiness, or cared to live until I chose to die. For these two discoveries I am beholden to Jesus. {Malcolm Muggeridge}

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