Note to self.

daisy

It’s been a few months since I’ve posted anything here. Sorry. I’ve been a little out of sorts lately and feeling slightly apprehensive about writing, which is usually accompanied by run-on sentences and the urge to apologize incessantly.

Sorry.

Sorry to you and to me too for letting myself down yet again by failing to write as consistently as I promised myself I would. I love new beginnings, but maintaining something over a long period of time is challenging. I’ll get to work on that right away. And in case I don’t…sorry.

So where did I leave off? It was a dark and stormy night {of the soul}, bereft of foliage. But what light through yonder window breaks? It is Spring, emerging from her slumber! Winter has finally and officially gone the way of Canadian geese making the long, arduous trek to their native northerly homeland. Well technically that would only be true if the geese kept going, making an even more arduous journey over the Arctic Circle, past Russia, down through China and south of the Equator to Sydney, where they would no doubt be turned away at the border on account of longstanding geopolitical tensions. Did I get sidetracked? Sorry.

As I was saying…the trees are clothed in verdant splendor, lambs are frolicking, birds chirping, frogs croaking, flowers blooming, yada, yada…you get the picture. Things are starting to look new and promising…and a little noisy.

I spent the last few months underground as it were – resting, praying, preparing, and ever so long-sufferingly inquiring of God what He intends to do with me once this wintry season hath passed. That, and logging about four thousand miles traveling the I-5 between LA and the Bay Area, Fresno, Sacramento and Redding—sometimes in that order and once in a single day, which I can’t in good conscience recommend…unless you’re going to visit some of the most precious people on the planet, in which case it’s totally worth it.

And yes, I know it’s grammatically unorthodox to use both the double-dash and ellipses in the same sentence and a run-on sentence at that {I did warn you}, but I’m throwing caution to the wind here. After all…it’s Spring—and anything can happen, right?

Yes. The answer is yes. And it has happened {this is a segue, in case you’re wondering}. Sorry.

On the very first day of Spring, I was offered a position that couldn’t be a better fit for me. I will be serving with an amazing team on a project I’m passionate about. Huge answer to prayer. The work involves restoration of justice and healing and changes in public policy and builds on what I’ve been doing for the past few years. More answers to prayer. And I’ll even get to connect with friends and former colleagues across the country. I know…incredible.

There’s just one—tiny—catch.

Um, it is somewhat possible I may have sort of forgotten to mention a little something in all of my patiently asking God for an opportunity exactly like this one.

Okay, sorry. I’ll get to the point. The killer job doesn’t quite come with a corresponding killer salary.

And due to something called “the economy,” there may or may not be an actual paycheck appearing in my mailbox {or wherever paychecks go these days} for a few months…or was that several months? Is several more or less than few? What if it’s longer? In any event, it will be some as yet undetermined period of time, insofar as “the economy” continues. Or the grant gets funded, whichever comes first.

This is where I’m supposed to say thanks, but no thanks, isn’t it? I’m no economist, but massive pay decrease {i.e., elimination of said pay} plus working my tail off should equal deal breaker, right?

The unbelievably irritating thing is, I believe I am to start the job anyway. On faith.

Gulp. Oops, did you hear that? Sorry.

Have you ever heard of anything more absurd? I mean other than when I left my secure government job a few months ago to try and do some good in the world.

I’ll tell you a secret, if you promise never to repeat it to my parents or sister or well-meaning friends or casual blog readers: Part of me is actually excited about this job sans salary deal because it creates the perfect opportunity for God to show up magnificently.

[Cue Stage Right: God, appearing with impressive job contract and generous benefits package in hand.]

The other part of me, the one that apologizes {to herself no less} for not being a more proficient blogger and more confident, capable human being, is cowering in a corner wondering how long she can survive on the ten-pound bag of brown rice and half-eaten box of cereal in her pantry.

She’s also the one embarrassed to admit she has been watching reruns of a hard-hitting legal drama called Drop Dead Diva on Netflix while mercilessly kicking herself for not joining some prestigious law firm like the main character {Jane} did before she {Jane} was shot so she {me} too could rack up the billable hours as a highly paid associate with a corner office well on her way to making partner. The old Jane wouldn’t have hesitated to sue someone crazy enough to even consider for a moment starting a job on faith. And she could have rattled off any number of suit-able {no pun intended…this is hard-hitting drama, remember} causes of action to boot: Detrimental reliance. Tortious interference. Intentional infliction of emotional distress. And Jane would have won her case. She always does.

So. So. Sorry.

I’d like a moment with my client, your honor.

Last October I quit a perfectly respectable job in Washington DC to test out the audacious notion that we can overcome evil by doing good. Since then I’ve danced around the edges of good and have even peered into the turquoise waters of its depths, but I’ll admit I had been terrified to dive in headfirst. Afraid of what it would cost. Of what I could lose.

That’s the funny thing about trees in Winter. They shed everything anyone wants to keep them around for. They’re bare and barren and you’d think they would be as vulnerable as they’ve ever been. Ha! But because they’re leafless and fruitless for a season, they can withstand ice and snow and wind and just about anything else the world wants to hurl at them. They can deal with the momentary swirling around their branches because their life is underground.

And no one can touch that.

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. She is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that she does, she prospers. {Jeremiah 17:7 & Psalm 1:3}

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